Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Jägermeister - Sexist advertising?

Apparently, this kind of thing isn't acceptable these days.

Having had my fair share of horrible experiences at the hands of this poison, I feel I'm owed something.

Sunday, August 12, 2007

- The Horrors of Turkish Driving: PART TWO

The term ‘Micropenis’, which is an actual medical term, describes an unusually small penis in a human male. A common criterion for this condition is a dorsal (measured on top) erect penile length at least 2.5 standard deviations smaller than the mean penis size. The condition is usually recognized shortly after birth. The term is most often used medically when the rest of the penis, scrotum, and perineum is well-formed. One way of recognizing a micropenis victim is to go to Turkey and look for any vehicle being driven in a ridiculously piss-poor manner, such as the one in the clip you’re about to watch.

Let’s hope he’s removed himself from the gene pool by now

Micropenis can have a variety of causes. Since it is defined statistically, a large proportion of males with micropenis are simply normal but in the lowest percentile of normal size. While driving like a total moron is an obvious symptom of this condition, it is not believed to alleviate it in any way, and is, therefore, a totally pointless exercise. A certain sinancetinkaya, the YouTube contributor of this video, had this to say, ‘Video benim değil, araç sanırım clio v6 RS (The video isn’t mine, I believe the vehicle to be a clio v6RS).’ A man of few words, clearly. Naturally, neither sinancetinkaya nor anyone else would openly admit to being afflicted with this condition, but I’m willing to take his word for it that this isn’t him driving. A zakaka31 elaborates, ‘adam manyakmış (the man is a maniac).’

Friday, August 10, 2007

- Great moments in sport 2: German footballer breaks neck - plays on

In the Second World War Bernhard 'Bert' Trautmann was a paratrooper in western Russia. He was captured by the Russians and escaped, but was finally captured by the British. The English, as we tend to do, greeted him with the words "Hello Fritz, fancy a cup of tea?". He was brought to POW Camp 50 at Ashton-in-Makerfield, in between St Helens and Wigan, before being transferred to a similar camp in Huyton, near Liverpool . In football matches between two camps he always played on the right midfield, but one day they had no goalkeeper and so Bert tried it and performed very well. It was during this time he became known as 'Bert,' as the English had trouble, surprisingly, pronouncing 'Bernd,' the abbreviated version of his name.

After the war he bravely decided to stay in Britain and played for the Liverpool County Combination club St Helens Town. During a friendly match against Manchester City, club officials were so impressed by him that they signed him. The fans of City, however, were not best pleased about having a former member of the Luftwaffe on the team. Season ticket holders threatened a boycott and various groups in Manchester and around the country bombarded the club with protest letters. Twenty thousand people demonstrated against the signing, holding banners like "Off with the German". Besides the issues with his nationality, Trautmann also made the heinous error of replacing Frank Swift, one of the greatest keepers in the club's history. After his first matches for City, however, the protests died when the fans realised that the boy was indeed a bit special.

In the years to come, Trautmann established himself as one of the best keepers in the league, and very possibly, in the world. One of Trautmann's greatest matches was the legendary 1956 FA Cup Final between Manchester City and Birmingham City at Wembley Stadium. In the 75th minute Man City led 3:1 and Trautmann, diving at an incoming ball, was knocked out in a collision with a Birmingham's Peter Murphy when he was hit in the neck. For the remaining 15 minutes he defended his net, because at the time there were no substitutions possible. Manchester City held on for the victory, and the hero of the final was Bert Trautmann, due to his spectacular saves in the last minutes of the match. Three days later, an x-ray revealed he had a broken vertebra in his neck. How hard was this man?

It's only a broken neck, I'll shake it off

He appeared in 545 matches for City during a 15 year period between 1949 and 1964. He had no caps for Germany, because the German manager Sepp Herberger would not call up German players who were playing in other countries. This had been particularly frustrating for Trautmann because for much of his career he had been regarded as the world's greatest goalkeeper. He won the FWA Footballer of the Year Award in 1956 for his FA Cup heroics.

In 1964 he finished his career with a testimonial in front of a crowd of 60,000 people, quite a change from the crowd that initially didn't want a German. Trautmann captained a special joint Manchester City & Manchester United XI that included Bobby Charlton and Denis Law, against an England team that included Tom Finney, Stanley Matthews and Jimmy Armfield. After the match, Bobby Charlton called him one of the greatest goalkeepers ever. Russian keeper and bighead Lev Yashin had this to say:

'There have only been two world-class goalkeepers. One was Lev Yashin, the other was the German boy who played in Manchester — Trautmann.'

Thursday, August 9, 2007

- Zen and the art of being a moron

Many fine men have ridden motorbikes. Few have written about them as eloquently as Robert M. Pirsig in Zen and the art of motorcycle maintenence:

Not everyone understands what a completely rational process this is, this maintenance of a motorcycle. They think it's some kind of a "knack" or some kind of "affinity for machines" in operation. They are right, but the knack is almost purely a process of reason, and most of the troubles are caused by what old time radio men called a "short between the earphones," failures to use the head properly. A motorcycle functions entirely in accordance with the laws of reason.

Somehow I doubt the total fuckwit in this clip has read this book...

We're not talking about rocket science here, gentlemen

This is funny. This is really, really funny. OK, I'm not thinking this through too clearly, but I'm not alone: 'what a twat!!!!' suggests stuie1971, echoing my thoughts on the matter. Not all agree, however, 'Really sad. Stupid riding like that can earn you a wheelchair for the rest of your life. NOT FUNNY AT ALL' notes a DIGGINSMCCAIN, clearly one of YouTube's voices of reason.


- The Horrors of Turkish Driving: PART ONE

OK, OK, I know that people all around the world are horrible drivers; road rage is a universal problem. Quite frankly, I don’t care how bad other countries are. I live in Turkey and I’m telling you, the most cretinous, just crawled out of the swamp retard drivers on the planet live in Turkey. The video you’re about to be horrified by is absolutely typical of every single journey I’ve ever made in this country.

The word ‘incompetence’ has just been redefined by these tools

Don’t get me wrong, I love Turkey. I do genuinely wish, however, that there was some kind of Guantanemo Bay facility by the side of every road where bad drivers could be immediately removed from their vehicles and detained for the term of their natural lives.

In the words of the creator of this work, nlty2000:

Unbelievable traffic madness in Turkey. This is a short compilation of my 11km urban commute. These funny happenings are ordinary in every city. I am late for work almost everyday because of accidents. You cannot see the accidents here, I was not lucky enough to have any of them happened right in front of me. Stay tuned for an accident scene compilation video.

I hereby warn every tourist about dangers and risks of road transport in Turkey. Avoid, if possible. Death rate happens to be a close second or third in the world, right behind India and China (or Iran).

I’ll be returning to the work of nlty2000 on a regular basis. Oh, and while we’re at it, the driver of 34 ZZ 8306 who tried to gouge off the front of my car with his incompetent driving the other day: you’ve got a really, really small penis and bad driving isn’t going to change that fact.

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

- A history of swearing PART 1

Swear words were invented in the 1860s and have an original meaning which in itself may give some cause for offence. Additionally, many profanities will have applied meanings of their own, usually associated to their context and which therefore may vary significantly depending upon the intended purpose of the word in the sentence. For example; fuck, a common profanity in English, is a verb for the sexual act and may be used literally in this sense,

"I fucked that bitch",

but also in the context of an exclamation,

"Fuck you",

to refer to acts of violence,

"I'll fuck you up!"

or to simply add emphasis to a sentence,

"This is really fucking interesting!"

Another example would be "That was fucked up!" The degree to which a swear word is offensive is a highly subjective matter, as it relies heavily upon how the use of the word affects an individual or group of individuals.

Some will consider the original meaning of a word (for example, the sexual act) as being offensive or as a subject not fit for polite conversation (sexual acts, sexual references or reference to bodily parts, or religiously sensitive subjects) whilst others will have no objection to these subject matters and therefore words used to describe them.

An example of some swearing

In many cases, such as in the example just seen, swearing serves a higher moral purpose, and should be used indiscriminately.

Monday, August 6, 2007

- Great moments in sport 1: Senna kicks ass in 1993

In Formula 1, wet weather racing is considered to be the great equaliser of cars; that is, the driver makes more of a difference. Speeds must be reduced and car superiority in power or grip is greatly reduced. The rain demands great driver car control, ability and driving finesse. Senna had some of his best performances in such conditions. One of his tactics was not to change into the rain tyres at the start of the rain but to keep racing using slick tyres. Although it made racing much more difficult Senna, the sneaky bugger, often gained several seconds of time ahead of his competitors because most of them were driving into the pitstop to change tyres.

The 1984 season was Senna's first in F1. He came into a field of competitors from whose ranks 16 world championships would be reaped. Participating as a rookie in a relatively crap car, the Toleman TG184, Senna had racked up three race retirements, a 6th and a 7th place from his first 5 races. He started the first wet race of the season, the Monaco Grand Prix in 13th place. The race was stopped for safety reasons after only 31 laps due to monsoon conditions. At the time the race was stopped, Senna was classified in 2nd place, and catching up to race leader Alain Prost, at 4 seconds per lap. Senna's performance in this race, on a track on which it is notoriously difficult to pass other competitors, should be contrasted with the events of recent races at Monaco in which passing has been the exception rather than the norm, especially in dry conditions.

In 1993, at the European GP at Donington Park, Senna drove for the McLaren team. The MP4/8, although one of the front running cars, was considered inferior to the leading Williams FW15C of Prost and Hill, and the Benetton B193 (which used a factory-supplied Ford engine) driven by Michael Schumacher and Riccardo Patrese. Some maintain that the Williams FW14B and FW15C were probably the most technologically advanced cars that will ever race in Formula One. This didn't matter much to Senna in this race. 

Careful lad, or someone might end up hurt

He started in fourth place on the grid. At the very start, Hill cut across Schumacher's line, causing Schumacher to cut further to the outside across Senna's own line. Karl Wendlinger's Sauber then passed both Schumacher and Senna on the inside, leaving Senna in fifth and Schumacher in fourth. Senna cut to the inside, having no room to move to the outside as Schumacher came across. Despite being in fifth place at that point, at the end of the first lap he was in first place, having overtaken Schumacher, Wendlinger, Hill and Prost. Examples of wet weather car control such as this gained Senna the title "The Rain Master" in numerous F1 publications in the early 90s. The opening lap is frequently cited as a one of the sport's great moments. Senna is regarded by many as the fastest driver that has ever been involved in Formula One Motor Racing and was also rated by a 2006 F1 magazine poll to be the greatest Formula One driver of all time.